Bob Dole realizes there are some devoutly religious individuals here on the Planet, and actually reads most of the religion-based threads without participating. Bob Dole freely admits to having some serious doubts about the usefullness of organized religion, but openly respects everyone's personal beliefs.
Given that preface, here's the latest event from the Neighborhood from Hell.
As you probably know, Bob Dole's entire lawn equipment inventory performed an assisted disappearing act from the garage last fall. As you probably guessed, Bob Dole has not been eager to rush out and buy new lawn equipment, fearing that it will meet the same end. Thusly, Bob Dole's "lawn" ain't been touched since last fall--except for the motocross track Reliant Energy so thoughtfully built in the side yard.
Other useful background: Bob Dole lives across the street from a large Baptist church. Last Spring, a week after Bob Dole moved in, one of the neighbors (who happens to be a member of the Baptist church across the street) came over and asked Bob Dole if he could do something with his "lawn" because the church was trying to make the neighborhood look nice. Bob Dole, who has historically taken pride in the lawn's appearance, was embarassed that a neighbor came to ask, and promptly fixed the problem lawn, and improved it with flowers and such over the course of the Spring/Summer. At the time of the equipment theft, Bob Dole's lawn looked better than the complaining neighbor's, and he actually had the nerve to stop by as Bob Dole was sweating his fat white ass off one Saturday afternoon and tell Bob Dole as much.
So Bob Dole is sitting here about 15 minutes ago and the Chihuahua Alert System goes haywire and Bob Dole looks out to see some unknown 60-something male walking up the walk. Bob Dole turns down the top volume Hoobastank and answers the door accompanied by 14 total pounds of fury and steps out on the porch with Bud in hand.
"How are you?" inquires the old coot.
"Other than trapped in a house with furious Chihuahuas, pretty well," replies Bob Dole. (Bob Dole takes a pull on the bottle...)
Old guy: "Good...good. Has anyone mention that we has a prospective new minister coming in to visit this weekend?"
Sensing what is about to transpire, suddenly less-pleasant Bob Dole replies, "Why would they? I don't attend that church."
Old fart: "Uh-hum. Well, we have a prospective new minister coming in to visit..."
Rude Bob Dole interrupts, "I gathered that much. Thanks."
Raisin: "Well...um...er...well... We're trying to make sure the neighborhood looks really good and were wondering whether you could do anything with your yard."
Bob-I-Knew-It-Dole: "No, I can't."
Prune Eater: blank stare
Bob-Increasingly-Disgusted-Dole: "Someone was kind enough to steal all my lawn equipment last Fall and I have not yet replaced it. I have been talking to a guy about buying his used Toro, and if he actually shows up with it before the weekend, you can rest assured I'll use it. If he doesn't, I don't really have any way to take care of it. I don't like looking at this shit either, if you want to know the truth, but I'm hesitant to go out and spend $500 on new lawn equipment so the dirtbags can break into the garage and steal it again."
Bob Dole: "You know, I noticed you had the church lawn done today. If it was really a big concern, you could have had them come over here and chop down my weed patch. Or you can send them back to do it tomorrow if you want. You know...in the spirit of 'Christian Charity' and all..."
Why-Did-I-Get-Elected-to-this-Shit-Guy: blank stare
Bob Dole: (Resisting the urge to point out that the guy does the blank stare thing quite a bit and might want to see his physician about it.) Well, if you guys want to do that, or if the guy shows up with the used mower before Friday and it actually works, I'll sure have it looking spiffy for you. I'm not going to go buy new equipment, nor am I going to pay anyone to come mow it, so I guess it's your choice."
At which point Bob Dole turned around and walked back in to Chihuahua Haven.
Bob Dole supposes the question is: Was Bob Dole out of line? And if you've got enough sack to go ring someone's doorbell to bitch about their yard, and you're really a compassionate, caring person living the Christain lifestyle, wouldn't you feel obligated to offer some sort of solution (other than scissors) when informed that some shitbag stole all the lawn equipment? Hell, Bob Dole doesn't go to church and has mowed a neighbor's yard more than once when they couldn't/wouldn't.
Bob Dole probably isn't going to mow the thing if the guy shows up with the mower in 15 minutes. It's the principle. [Reply]
Originally Posted by : Originally posted by Robert_Dole After the ex took off with Bob Dole's Rottie, Bob Dole wanted something a little more portable.
How could you not love that face?
Portable my butt......:-):-) That little shit won't let anyone near it but the Senator......Hum, tell you anything......:-) [Reply]
Originally Posted by : Originally posted by tommykat Portable my butt......:-):-) That little shit won't let anyone near it but the Senator......Hum, tell you anything......:-)
What the hell are you trying to say? There's not a person here that's been within 5 miles of Bob Dole's dogs. [Reply]
"Old guy: "Good...good. Has anyone mention that we has a prospective new minister coming in to visit this weekend?"
I regret not reading Bob Doles story sooner....very funny. Just wondering if anyone questioned why someone would want a new minister, that would be swayed by their physical surroundings rather than swayed by the needs of others?
Thought of this scripture since it seems to apply to Bob Doles story.
"Of what benefit is it, my brothers, if a certain one says he has faith but he does not have works? That faith cannot save him, can it? If a brother or a sister is in a naked state and lacking the food sufficient for the day, yet a certain one of YOU says to them: "Go in peace, keep warm and well fed," but you do not give them the necessities for their body, of what benefit is it? Thus, too, faith, if it does not have works, is dead in itself."-James 2:14-17
PS. Interesting, one of my best friends who's name is also "Bob", raises those little street rats too. Still cant figure out what the attraction is about them. :-) [Reply]
FWIW, I would have already killed all of the grass and installed astroturf...
If I were your neighbor, I wouldn't be nearly as worried about the length of your yard grass as I would be about the fact that you raise mutant cats disguised as dogs...
Originally Posted by : Originally posted by Mark M Of course, having met the Senator made it even funnier.
That adds to the humor for me as well.
Sorry to hear about your lawn equipment, Bob. I just received a letter in the mail last week form my neighborhood association. They said that if i didn't mow my yard, they would have it done and bill me. Two things that piss me off about the letter...
1. No one on my street is as anal about their lawn as me. I put a lot of time and money into my yard. It isn't my fault that the two houses on each side of mine mow their yard too often and too short. It makes mine look tall, when it is actually the correct length.
2. On the top of the letter it said "FINAL NOTICE". That was the first and only letter they have ever sent me.
I was forced to pull out a copy of the neighborhood rules and regulations. I now have a list of all my neighbor's violations, just in case the association tries to stir up more shit on me. [Reply]
Originally Posted by : Originally posted by 47mack Sorry to hear about your lawn equipment, Bob. I just received a letter in the mail last week form my neighborhood association. They said that if i didn't mow my yard, they would have it done and bill me.
Ohhh... You live in one of those neighborhoods.
Bob Dole had the same "neighbors scalp their lawn" situation when Bob Dole was a homeowner. It was always pretty funny when July rolled around and Bob Dole's lawn was green, while theirs looked like some dirt and straw. [Reply]
I love the goat idea. I used to have an Angora goat ranch and had 300 nannies. (I put colorful ribbons on the pretty ones) Goats clip off the grass rather than pull it up like sheep. Don't like the concrete/tire idea though. Just drive a 6' length of re-bar into the ground and chain the goat to it. Move goat as needed. [Reply]
