Five days ago I had surgery.
On the first day I did not shit. This did not surprise me, as I had not eaten since lunchtime the day before.
On the second day I did not shit. This did not surprise me, as the doctors informed me that I may experience constipation.
On the third day, I did not shit. I became concerned. I began eating apples, taking a stool softener, and enjoyed a large bowl of indian beans.
On the fourth day, I did not shit. My bowels began to feel...too full. I drank two large glasses of Metamucil and two tablespoons of milk of magnesia.
It is the fifth day, and I have not shat, though farts are coming profusely and with great force. I took two tablets of Senokot (recommended by my doctor) and downed a large bowl of Kellog's Fiber Plus about an hour ago.
I'm on a mission. To shit.
Please, God. Let me shit.
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