Originally Posted by Graystoke:
I would like to think so, but probably not.
It was just different eras etc.. When I was a kid I was expected to have my chores done before 0900. If I had a summer time ball game I was expected to get on my bike and go. My folks didn't attend that shit or care, they were busy scratching out a living. My folks never gave me rides somewhere...screw that kid, figure it out. Things were best when they didn't know what I was doing.
When I had kids we attended all their activities. We helicoptered the shit out of them. We were in tune big time. They turned out great and I turned out ok.
Its a means and methods thing. Both my parents achieved their goals of raising good human beings. I achieved the same goals with a different means and method.
BTW...Thanks Mom and Dad
I’ve learned that it here really are a lot of different ways to do things.
And it seems different parenting styles work better/worse depending on the personality of each kid.
One of my sisters growing up was a total anti-authoritarian. The stricter my dad got, the more she acted out. There would be literal months where she’d be on punishment, no phone, no internet, no leaving the house. Fucking months. And she’d STILL fuck up again a week after getting privileges back. [Reply]
Originally Posted by siberian khatru:
Better? No. But not worse either. Just different.
My kids are currently 29 and 25. One struggled with some mental issues in college but seems to be doing quite well these days (thankfully, no substance abuse was involved). His brother is working toward his PhD in physics, has a longtime steady GF whom he'll probably marry. We're proud of both.
What's different: I was a kid of the 70s and as Virus and Katipan mentioned, boy did I have my freedom. Not just to roam the neighborhood at will. But my folks would drop me off at movie theaters by myself, starting around age 9 or 10. They put me on airplanes by myself starting at age 8 to fly back to Missouri to spend summers with my grandparents. They took me to rock concerts starting at age 10, and for my 13th birthday allowed a couple who were their friends to pick me up at school and drive me an hour-and-a-half away to attend a Grateful Dead concert (the couple were both big Dead Heads), spend the night at their home, and then drop me off at school the next morning.
That stuff NEVER happens today. I survived just fine and have great stories to tell about it all. But my wife would never allow it with our own kids. Just different times.
Yep, I was a 90s/00s kid. I feel like my generation was the last one of the old guard.
I agree with your wife now. Well, I say that as my daughter is a toddler so idk. We’ll see as she gets older.
I feel like I’m gonna be a total helicopter parent. [Reply]
But my mom was 21 when I was born and unmarried. Her mom was 18 when she was born...also out of wedlock.
I was 32 with 2 stable incomes when my first was born.
Yeah, I'm a hell of a lot better at it. But it's not because I'm some spectacular parenting talent or anything. I had the sliders set to Rookie.
Then again, that wasn't by accident either. I mean, I was dating my wife when we were 16/17. I just made WAY better decisions through my teens/20s than my mom did in that regard.
Is what it is.
I feel that. My mom was 21, dad was 20.
Realistically, they had no business being together from the start. Just a fuckton of drama for no reason.
Waiting until your late 20s, early 30s seems like a great decision to me. [Reply]
Originally Posted by phisherman:
My parents were OK but a bit distant in a lot of ways, especially my dad.
I'm getting better at connecting to both of my kids, especially my son. I have a lot in common with my daughter in terms of interests and hobbies so her and my connection has been fairly easy. My son is a different story and it most likely does start with the way my dad was towards me. He wanted nothing to do with emotion and feelings; if he was hurt in some way, it tended to come out in either silence or rage. I have the same tendencies but I want to get better (and so does my wife, she grew up with a similar dad) and with some work, I have. I still pop at times but I'm way quicker to walk away/apologize/etc.
It's been hard but it's worth it and I believe the future for both of my kids will reflect that. It's definitely a marathon and not a sprint.
My dad was the same.
The universe gave me a daughter first, I think, to soften me up. [Reply]
Originally Posted by ThaVirus:
Any regrets from you and the Mrs about never having them?
Nah, not really. This is where I recognize that I'm completely non-sentimental, but I look around at my peers who have kids, and I bet 25 to 30 percent of them have a child who will always need their help and attention, either for reason that aren't the kid's fault (health stuff) or reasons that are the kid's fault (laziness or drugs or whatever). I don't like those odds.
In fact, my wife and I were just discussing this the other day. Some acquaintance (don't even remember who since it's so common) was making some sacrifice for a non-launching adult kid, and we were sympathetic. We joked that Hypothetical RainDaughter and RainSon would have been above average in every way, but we couldn't take that risk.
We actually planned to have kids when we got married, but every year we would put it off, and we eventually came to the conclusion that there was a reason we kept putting it off.
I recognize that I can be seen as a selfish b*****d, and that may be right. I'm always a little befuddled at people who are really family oriented, and maybe that links to the fact that I fell very far from the family tree growing up and mostly lived on the periphery of those family members to the greatest extent possible. But I figure I'm only spinning around on this planet once, so I want to maximize my own happiness by picking who I want to spend time and not hoping for lucky genetic matches. [Reply]
Mostly better. I was present in my kids life. They turned out to be great kids and adults more because of their Mom than me. I did make it a point to tell them often that I loved them often. The relationship that I have with them today is amazing, despite my shortcomings. They have both grown up to be fantastic moms, wives, and women. I am well and truly blessed. [Reply]
Originally Posted by Rain Man:
Nah, not really. This is where I recognize that I'm completely non-sentimental, but I look around at my peers who have kids, and I bet 25 to 30 percent of them have a child who will always need their help and attention, either for reason that aren't the kid's fault (health stuff) or reasons that are the kid's fault (laziness or drugs or whatever). I don't like those odds.
In fact, my wife and I were just discussing this the other day. Some acquaintance (don't even remember who since it's so common) was making some sacrifice for a non-launching adult kid, and we were sympathetic. We joked that Hypothetical RainDaughter and RainSon would have been above average in every way, but we couldn't take that risk.
We actually planned to have kids when we got married, but every year we would put it off, and we eventually came to the conclusion that there was a reason we kept putting it off.
I recognize that I can be seen as a selfish b*****d, and that may be right. I'm always a little befuddled at people who are really family oriented, and maybe that links to the fact that I fell very far from the family tree growing up and mostly lived on the periphery of those family members to the greatest extent possible. But I figure I'm only spinning around on this planet once, so I want to maximize my own happiness by picking who I want to spend time and not hoping for lucky genetic matches.
The endorphins that come off the top of their heads when you hug them…
My mother is a narcissistic control freak ignoramus whose presence in my life was a huge net negative. Selfish, absent, mean, judgmental, controlling.
My dad was a great guy. His main failing - only one, really - was his inability to stand up to my mother for my sister and I, or just leave her dumb ass.
Absolutely. My parents were both idiots for different reasons but not terrible people. I supposed I learned what not to do and how not to conduct myself and just did everything opposite of what they did and seems to be working out. [Reply]
I'd like to think I'm equivalent, but we'll see - objectively I may not be.
I do quite a bit of stuff different than my parents did.
And in the end it may not matter. A podcast I listen to and respect commented that parents aren't engineers, they're shepherds. We as parents can't engineer an outcome, but control the environment they develop.
Accordingly, you can't look at outcomes as a reflection of parenting.
But I'm perhaps more cognizant of their emotional needs than strict compliance to dad's view on life. I'm also not making them work on the farm as early as I did. The farm is different enough and I streamlined a lot of the lower end work out of the operation that I don't think it's prudent...yet.
However, my wife works, and my mom was stay at home, so there is an argument I'm pretty deficient there.
It's also difficult to extrapolate across kids. My mom had my brother at 17, and me at 26. They changed A LOT between us, I think. They've admitted to me that they would do things with my brother differently. I think they'd do stuff with my sister differently later on in her youth/young adulthood, but I don't think they'll talk about that. I've looked back through my life, and I really can't point to anything they did wrong. They were pretty damn good to me.
Hopefully my kids will say the same thing about me in 20 years. [Reply]
Well, i grew up in a single parent home. We didn’t have much. Ive been much more successful than my mom, and since my kids have two parents, id say yes. I probably went overboard being a dad because I didn’t have one around [Reply]