It’s that time of year again!! Spot on if you ask me! The last comment is amazing
:-) :-)
Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Denver Broncos
Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Denver Broncos.
Your 2023 record: 8-9, featuring a 1-5 start that included a historic 70-20 lashing at the hands of the Dolphins. Miami racked up 726 yards of offense in that game, and would have set the single-game scoring record had Mike McDaniel not decided, wrongly, to show mercy on these chumps late in the game:
“It felt like chasing points and chasing a record — that’s not what we came to the game to do," McDaniel said.
You know you were coaching against Sean Payton, right playboy? There’s no better coach on earth to bury in the dirt than that fucker. I wish you’d thrown down 100 on his big stupid face.
The Broncos would rebound from that catastrophe, although only if you count “clawing your way back into playoff contention and then benching your starting QB for the stretch run because you didn’t want to have to pay his injury guarantee” as a rebound. This was the worst team in the AFC for the first quarter of the season. They completed a hail Mary at the gun against the Commanders, only to blow the ensuing two-point attempt that would have tied the game. They also gave their former head coach Natty Hackett the world’s least deserved redemption arc when their comeback attempt versus the Jets fell short thanks to a Bryce Hall scoop and score. I have to tell you, I was really enjoying this shit parade. Dignity has no place in Broncos Country, so I wanted that team to suck a horse’s asshole for as long as they possibly could.
But then they had to go and rip off five wins in a row, somehow making Payton look good in the process. I was bereft, reader. Without the likes of Dan Snyder or Aaron Rodgers to kick around a season ago, I put a great deal of my hating energy into making sure that Denver mega-imploded for the second season in a row. Instead, I had to settle for them meekly bowing out of contention with a string of inconspicuous losses: an end-zone pick to fall in Houston, a rinsing at the hands of Jared Goff (five TD passes) and the Lions, getting outgunned by Bailey Zappe and letting the dogshit Patriots beat them at the gun, and waving the white flag on their season—and on Russell Wilson—by throwing Jarrett Stidham into the wild boar pen for the last two games. So congrats to these guys for going from embarrassing to merely pathetic. And it was all thanks to the work of this man!
Your coach: Lil’ Belichick.
"I can get you $1,000 off this car, just lemme talk to my manager." (Matthew Stockman/Getty Images)
That’s Sean Payton. With Bill Belichick gone from the NFL, Payton is, at least in the spiritual sense, the last remaining Parcells Guy in charge of an NFL team. That’s right: Payton comes from an illustrious lineage of head coaches that includes Charlie Weis, Ray Handley, Al Groh, Mike Zimmer, Todd Haley, Romero Crennel, Tony Sparano, Eric Mangini, and every poison nettle shed by Belichick’s own branch of the tree. Wow! My scrote just got tighter than a drum!
If you’re my age, you can spot a Parcells Guy from a mile away. Does he talk to his players like they’re grade schoolers? Does he think that “cracking wise” is a good motivational tactic? Does he populate his staff and his roster almost entirely with guys he’s worked with before, Pete Carmichael included? Oh yeah, that’s a Parcells Guy. And what a guy to be in 2024! Everybody knows that the way to win in the modern NFL is to import a washed-up dictator who loves shitting on his own players almost as much as he loves running up a tab at the hotel bar. 2009 was a long, long time ago. Sean Payton means nothing anymore. I hope he gets trampled by an escaped zoo animal.
Your quarterback: No idea, but I hope it’s this guy!
(Matthew Stockman/Getty Images)
That’s ultimate Jets bust Zach Wilson, whom New York mercy-traded to Denver in exchange for a handful of anti-vax pamphlets. Wilson joins Jarrett Stidham and rookie Bo Nix in a three-way that’s about as hot as the video archive on J.D. Vance’s phone. Wilson sucks, Stidham is an NPC, and Nix was a consensus second-round talent who got picked at the 12 slot because no one else was left on the board. Let’s go to the requisite “This guy is wowing everyone in camp!” soundbite:
“I think he’s the kind of guy, man, where he can — when he lets it go, it’s just, there’s always something with it, and, you know it’s going to be a ball that gives anyone an opportunity to make a play,” Krull said.
Oh wow, this guy can throw a football. You don’t see many NFL quarterbacks who can do that! Nix played roughly 15 years of college ball and transferred from Auburn to Oregon despite having the most Auburn name in recorded history. Once in Eugene, Nix became a star by unleashing his magical arm … on nothing but screen passes. From Mike Tanier in the FTN almanac:
Nix threw 152 passes of zero or fewer air yards in 2023, the highest figure of any power-conference quarterback. Another 128 passes traveled 1 to 5 air yards. Nix threw 44 passes in Oregon’s regular-season meeting with Washington, but just 11 of them traveled more than 5 yards downfield. Just 11 of his 31 passes against USC traveled that far.
WHOA HO HO! Sounds like a real fucking airshow this boomer put on for the Pac-12. He’s gonna make you forget all about Drew Lock, and Paxton Lynch, and Tim Tebow, and Brock Osweiler, and even Broncos legend Jay Cutler! IT’S OK TO DREAM!
Nix’s calling card in college was that he got the ball out with NFL speed, much faster than all of his draftmates, Caleb Williams included. Could Oregon’s Ground Raid offense have had something to do with that? We’ll know the moment that Country Boy slips into the Colt McCoy career trajectory (November).
What’s new that sucks: You remember Russell Wilson. Short. Washed up. Comes off like Truman Burbank’s best friend. Oh, and he was the centerpiece of the single worst, non–Deshaun Watson trade in NFL history. So the Broncos said good afternoon, good evening, and good night to Russ after the season and cut his ass. That move put them on the hook for over $80 million in dead cap money. As a result, this roster spent all offseason in a straitjacket. Payton let LB Josey Jewell, C Lloyd Cushenberry, and S Justin Simmons walk, and could only import a small number of mid- to low-tier free agents to patch up all of the remaining holes: EDGE John Franklin-Myers, CB Levi Wallace, LB Cody Barton, WR Josh Reynolds, S Brandon Jones, and DT Malcolm Roach. He also shipped terminally embarrassing wideout Jerry Jeudy to Cleveland for some knives and lint.
And that’s really about it. This is basically the same team as last year’s, only without a serviceable QB anywhere in sight. Slap a Panthers logo on their helmets and you wouldn’t notice the difference. The Broncos extended WR Courtland Sutton (who had one 1,000-yard season five years ago) and OT Garett Bolles (worst’s best pass protector when the refs don’t catch him holding), and they get WR Tim Patrick back from his second consecutive season-ending injury. If that excites you, well then you should probably get outside more. You live in Denver. There are mountains nearby and shit. There’s no one to throw to on this team, and there’s no one who can throw the ball, either. You may as well have rehired Vic Fangio to run this jayvee cesspool.
Patrick Surtain is playing as a hostage on his rookie deal. I’m sure that won’t cause any tension inside the building.
What has always sucked: I don't imagine it's much fun knowing that your irascible coach is going to be the main story for your team all year. Then again I’m not a Broncos fan, so WHO CARES AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You guys went from having a horse-toothed jackass as your petty organizational tyrant to a guy who looks like post-puberty Kuato occupying the same role. Joy!
Nothing about the current Broncos interests me outside of, “Who will Sean blame for this loss?” And that won’t even be as fun as it was year ago, now that neither Russ nor the legacy of Hackett can serve as convenient punching bags any longer. Sean Payton owns this team, and you guys will have to live with Payton until it’s his contract that becomes too much to bear. The good news is that I just spotted an open jar of paste on a table nearby, which I know you folks can’t resist.
What might not suck: Payton was quite proud that he was able to scare the Vikings into trading up a single spot in the draft to make sure that Denver wouldn’t outmaneuver them for J.J. McCarthy. In fact, if you ask Payton, Nix was the guy he wanted all along. We haven’t witnessed such gleeful subterfuge since the Niners drafted Trey Lance, and surely that’s a good omen.
HEAR IT FROM BRONCOS FANS!
Travis:
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Chris:
This team has not done one single, solitary thing that would make them worth watching since the final whistle of Super Bowl 50.
Tyler:
Sweet new uniforms, same bullshit ass team. Still waiting on the genius this George Paton guy was purported to be. Gonna be waiting a while, it seems!
Fuck Enos Stanley Kroenke in the face with a bowling ball.
Eric:
I’ve spent the last three years furious about the Broncos every day.
Jake:
The only way to make the Russell Wilson experience watchable was to drink like John Elway on his way to interview Brian Flores.
Troy:
Mike Klis is one of the most pathetic, subservient beat guys in the league. I give him a surprising amount of blame for the franchise’s ineptitude for almost a decade. Just a sad penis.
Davis:
After years and years of denial, bargaining, and anger at those who pointed it out, I am ready to admit it: we suck. I can’t think of a team that has underperformed more or has a bleaker future. They are bad in nearly every way an NFL team can be. The owners are evil morons who believe they can throw money at every problem. The team tried to blackmail Russell Wilson and lied about it afterwards. They lost to Zach Wilson and Nathaniel Hackett, and that wasn’t even the most embarrassing loss of last season. They made the Dolphins, possibly the most fraudulent contender of the last decade, look like Alabama putting their yearly Week 11 beatdown on some poor FCS school called Eastern Acorn State or whatever.
Sean Payton somehow convinced ownership that the offense being terrible wasn’t his fault and that he should still be the coach.
The new uniforms look like something out of an unlicensed Xbox football game from 2007.
Benjamin:
This year I became a parent, and I find myself thinking, “Thank god I’ll be too busy parenting to watch games this year.”
Jimmy:
They got rid of their shitty 90s uniforms and replaced them with something that looks like it came out of a Fanatics wet dream.
Derek:
Our coach is a massive asshole who looks like the dad who got a DUI after tailgating all day at his kid’s football game.
Erik:
At this point, my only hope for the season is Zach Wilson getting injured in a saucy spat with a woman twice his age. I think that would be best for everyone, really.
Also, Bo Nix somehow looks ten years older than me and I've got eight years on him.
Ascher:
Last summer, I started dating my girlfriend. She’s beautiful, smart, successful, and a fucking Kansas City Chiefs fan. She cried when the Chiefs lost to the Lions Week One. OH BOO HOO YOUR TEAM LOST LIKE ITS SIXTH GAME SINCE THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION. I had to watch several Chiefs games with her family this year, and the Broncos are talked about like a pathetic younger brother. My god, I wish I had met her a decade ago when the Chiefs were still hapless fuckwits with no titles in the last half-century. She recently moved in with me. There’s Taylor Swift shit everywhere in my house.
At least we didn’t get JJ McCarthy. Sorry Drew, he’s going to fucking suck.
Benjamin:
thank god for jokic
Kyle:
Cap hell is too bright and exciting a term for this. We are locked in a Cap oubliette; damned to view the sunshine through a pinprick located miles above our heads. Mahomes peers down, winks, then disappears. Time will start to lose meaning. Is this the year we go 4-13 or 5-14? Who cares? One more season closer to death.
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