You probably don't recognize the name, but the next time you read a random post about how ****ing great Iowa State is...think back to this thread...this is who I'm talking about. His posts are like when Bad Company is the band playing the local free concert in the park. At first, you're like "who the **** is Bad Company?" Then, when the first song starts, you're going "I didn't know they played this song". Then, an entire hour passes where you know all the words to the songs that you didn't realize were by Bad Company. You probably thought it was Foriegner your whole life, but it wasn't. Its totally understandable that someone could think that some of their songs were by Foriegner...or maybe Cheap Trick. It does kind of sound like them, but its Bad Company. Look it up if you dont believe me. Anyway, they aren't good songs. They suck shit, actually. Still, when the concert ends, you're all "all those shitty songs...they were Bad Company all along...I never knew". All those shitty posts...you'll recognize them when you see them...that's Rustshack.

So Rustshack is just your skinny, geeky kid right out of central casting. He got the zits and the glasses, and the floodwater pants and the whole bit. He tries to go goth and be all dark and mad at the world, but he just looks like a pasty queer. He's dressed up as a vampire every Halloween since he was an eighth grader in 1999. Then, when vampire movies got popular, he got pissed off because everyone else dressed up like vampires for Halloween looked cooler than him. Seriously, Rusty...you were trying for Edward from Twilight, but people were getting Count Chocula from Kellogg's. So he would cry like a bitch, and the other kids would make fun of him. He thought about hanging himself but decided against it because vampires can't die from that. So he went to one of the other vampire/goth kids the next day for advice, they told him that he had to think of something even worse, so he went to Iowa State. (Look, not all of these jokes are going to be gems.)

So, anyway, **** you, Rustshack. Iowa State sucks. Steele Jantz sucks. Paul Rhodes sucks. Frazod is fat. Larry Eustachy is awesome for sucking down cool ones from cans with pull-tabs with hot skanks at Mizzou. You suck.

Pros: Isn't a KU fan. Isn't bothered by the fact that Top Gun was laced with latent homosexuality...he appreciates it for what it was...a pretty kickass movie that doesn't need me to defend it from YOU.

Cons: If he did hang himself, he could easily be mistaken for a flaccid penis dangling from a string if the person who was looking at him was kind of far away...or was close by but wasn't wearing their necessary prescription glasses or something. Probably knows enough about computers to track me down in real life if he took this the wrong way and decided to smear goat's blood on my door (or whatever the **** renaissance festivaly people do whenever they want to convey disapproval).

Outlook for Rustshack in 2014: Everyone will forget who he is again. Years from now, people will still talk about the time Dave got a DUI on the way home from that Foreigner concert.

Outlook for the Cylcones in 2014: Somewhere in the 5-7 to 7-5 range. Just like they are every year.

This little jumping bean occasionally posts about the Chiefs, but the vast majority of his work centers around accusing everyone of racism. It never occurs to him that it's not his race that makes people hate him...it's the fact that he's a fat, angry prick. I hate to break it to you, native, but you're basically frazod with a sombrero.

He came to Chiefs Planet because he is fascinated by sports in general. You see, where his family is from, sports aren't really part of the culture. After all, every Mexican who can run, jump, or swim sneaks into the US. Hootie's threads are of particular interest to him because all of native's brothers used to bus tables at hootie's restaurant, and now all of his sisters clean the rooms at hootie's hotel. In that regard, hootie is kind of the pied piper of pendejos.

He works in the financial services industry where he became a hero to his people when he realized that Mexicans in the US could write off their trucks as both a work vehicle AND an office. (I'm kidding, of course. They don't really file tax returns.)

Pros: Sells tamales out of a truck, and everything tastes better out of a truck. Has a dog that lives on the roof of his house.

Cons: Spends twenty minutes every afternoon making his chili dog at 7/11 and doesn't leave any toppings for anyone else. Brings live chickens on the bus.

Outlook for 2014: Will be higher on the list if he spends more time posting in threads about football and less time in threads about napping on other people's front lawns.

Notorious has a picture of his cat, Lobo (named after his favorite WNBA player) as his avatar. I should probably end this roast with that, but...whatever. Cats are for spinsters and pillowbitergots. Notorious is neither, so you know he hates them...so what gives? Why the **** does he have a cat? Well, I'll tell you why. Notorious has always kept a box full of piss and shit inside his house. People used to think of him as the sick **** with the boxes full of turds in his foyer. Now, he's just a guy with a cat, so his bizarre fetish seems socially acceptable. It's kind of a genius move, really. I mean, if I could get away with leaving dead hookers on my lawn by buying a ferret, I'd be at Petland right now.

Still, having cats around actually comes in handy for him, as he's a little too in touch with his feminine side, and he likes to gently stroke the cat while having himself a good cry. Pretty soon, though, he's going to have to tie the ****ing thing up in a burlap sack and throw it off a bridge, or I'm taking back what I said earlier about him not being a pillowbitergot.

All in all, he's an okay guy. I'll probably take him up on his offer to babysit my kids.

Pros: Really good at tickling. Keeps working at growing that mustache even though it isn't coming in very thick.

Cons: Huge fan of Jackson Browne. Drives a Plymouth.

Outlook for 2014: His neighbors will be asked to describe him on the local news.

Braincase loves to talk about how he knows all of the movers and shakers in the KU athletics department. He's always dropping tidbits of "inside information" that inevitably turn out to be wrong. I'm pretty sure the closest he's ever gotten to the Kansas athletics program is when he outbid frazod to win Mark Mangino's custom built toilet. It was a great moment for Braincase who has turned it into a shrine, but it sucked for frazod. He hates KU but was desperately in need of a toilet that could support his big fat ass while receiving the massive meat-logs he delivers. Fortunately, they were able to work out an arrangement wherein frazod can take his hippo dumps on the toilet while Braincase gives him blumpkins and imagines that frazod is actually coach Mangino.

While he may not be an insider with KU hoops, he was an assistant to the coach of an eighth grade girls basketball team...until he cracked under the pressure and got ejected from a game. (I'm not even joking. He made a thread about it that's absolutely hysterical...look it up.)
He has started over 500 threads in total, and that is the only one that doesn't suck. You'd think he would accidentally post an interesting topic every now and again, but he hasn't. Recent threads include such riveting topics as the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, licking a man's ass, and a princess Diana joke right at the height of its relevancy in 2011. At some point, he thought to himself, "CP is going to ****ing love this princess Diana joke...I can't wait to start a thread about it". We need more posters like him.

Pros: Was told that it's not butter, accepted it, and moved on...if he was in disbelief, he didn't show it. Beats the shit out of his kids. That wouldn't normally be considered a positive, but his kids are ugly and, as such, deserve every ass-whipping they get.

Cons: Wears pleated jeans. Drinks Taster's Choice coffee because he wants to celebrate the moments of his life.

Outlook for 2014: Dies when his skull is crushed under frazod's fupa. At his funeral, people will take solace in knowing that he died doing what he loved.

kcnut is genuinely one of my favorite posters on this board. Normally, you have to actually read a post or two before realize how stupid the posters on this board are. Nut saves you time because you don't have to read a single word of his incoherent ramblings in order to realize how insane he is. The first time I tried to decipher one of his bizarre missives, I felt like John Nash trying to intercept Soviet communications.

If you've never seen the big nasty, you can find his doppelganger helping out in the concession stand at any little league baseball complex in the country. Look for kid with the oversized hearing aids and the random shaved patches on the back of his head. (I'm not sure if those are related to surgery, or if he is just constantly trying to cut his own hair, but I don't know who to ask.) Fortunately, his hair is mostly covered up by the old-school motorcycle helmet that he has to wear at all times.

When he's not posting on CP, he's either handing people their Doritos Loco tacos through a window or putting together a political podcast. (The realization that this is simply a statement of fact rather than a joke is unsettling when you realize that his votes count as much as anyone's...and you know he votes.) If you ever want to send yourself into a coma but can't find a rock to bash against your head, you might want to consider giving him a listen. He is to Rush Limbaugh what frazod is to Alan Dershowitz. I guess it's a good hobby for him given the fact that his mom finally stopped secretly replacing the pet bunnies he kept hugging to "sleep", so who am I to judge?


Pros: Has amazing retard strength. Incredibly, he has never eaten from a package with a skull and crossbones on the label. When he tucks his shirt in, the bottom of his shirt sometimes pokes through his fly, and that makes me laugh.

Cons: Makes LiveSteam look like the Indian kid at the Howard Scripps spelling bee. Chewed the points off all my new Crayolas in pre-school. I thought that was a shitty thing for an eleven year old to do.

Outlook for 2014: I expect big things from the big nasty. Hopefully he doesn't get cratered in a drone strike.

Hopefully everyone is breathing a sigh of relief seeing that I'm doing coffey's roast rather than hootie. If my roast of big nasty kcnut caused an uproar, a hootie roast of cc would probably spark an international incident. But enough about me and my giant cock...

Crazycoffey has a tendency to blur the lines between CP and real life as evidenced by the fact that he posted Clay's grandfather's contact information in a thread on this very board. You'd think he might know better than to do something like that, but he's a drunk...and an angry one at that. For more evidence of this, look no further than his infamous run-in with our own hootie.

As usual, hootie was minding his own business...objectively watching Peyton Manning highlights after a long day of ladling out soup to the less fortunate...when CC stumbled onto the board three Zimas deep and started talking shit about minorities. Now normally hootie isn't one for confrontation, but he will not tolerate mean-spirited comments about others. Coffey's response was to abuse the infraction system in order to get hootie banned. Naturally, hootie was beyond pissed, created a new account, and resumed setting cc straight in a stern but fair tone (or something like that...I don't remember the exact details...**** you). Coffey then did what any mentally unstable drunk would do in the middle of a heated argument...he sent hootie a PM about the most intimate, painful details of his own life...naturally.

Let me repeat this for Rico and anyone else who missed it... Crazycoffey, while in the midst of a nasty flame war with hootie, sent hootie a private message full of personal details about the ongoing problems in his marriage. Fortunately for coffey, hootie is a classy guy with a keen understanding of boundaries, so he kept those details private... I'm just ****ing with you. Hootie immediately shoved that shit right back in coffey's face. Would any sane person expect anything less from hootie? Of course not...but coffey is not sane. He is, however, a cop.

Let that ****ing sink in... Here is a guy who can't even be trusted with the infraction system, yet our tax dollars pay for him to carry a gun on behalf of the criminal justice system. Are you ****ing kidding me? I wouldn't trust this drunk to drive a goddamned honey wagon let alone a paddy wagon, but what the **** do I know?

Fortunately, hootie made a much-heralded return, and cc has been working to get his marriage back on track. He and his wife have even started dabbling in the swinging lifestyle in order to spice things up. Being a short, fat, bald guy, he doesn't exactly get invited to the "A-squad" parties like in Eyes Wide Shut, though. It's mostly a bunch of skinny white dudes going balls deep into fat Asian hookers while frazod sits in the corner trying desperately to find his penis, but coffey works with what he's got, and I can't fault him for that. The problem is that he tends to just show up, rip off all of his clothes, and yell, "orgy time". WTF, dude? That's terrible form. I mean yes, there's going to be an orgy, but even orgies at the Ramada expect a certain level of decorum...at least take off your socks and shoes. This isn't like back when you were a scout leader and took the kids on campouts. The webelos may not have known better, but that's no excuse for you.

Pros: Gets paid to harass minorities. Is handy with a sewing machine.

Cons: Doesn't wipe after he shits if it felt like it came out clean. (I understand his reasoning, but you still have to check.) Always does the "cha cha cha" thing when singing Happy Birthday.

Outlook for 2014: He and his wife answer an ad on adult friend finder only to find out when they meet up that it's Clay...evening goes better than expected.

Phil is a legend in his own mind. He has this peculiar habit of bragging over things that nobody else on the face of the earth even cares about. I swear to Christ, P, nobody gives a shit that you once called Trent Green "TrINT Green" 12 years ago. It was funny enough to generate a 44 post thread. Congratulations. Why is that throw-away of a thread in the ****ing Hall of Classics? Is that really a classic thread? In Phil mother****ing Kloster's head? Yes. To anybody else in the world? Hardly.

Phobia is the kind of guy who will only befriend people who are a rung below him in status. If you make more money than him...are smarter than him...have a better goatee than him...drive a faster Camaro than him, etc., he's going to run you off. You see, the most important thing to Phil is to surround himself with people who admire him. That makes him feel important. By weeding the successful people out of his circle, he gets to wax poetic about how he "only drinks the finest domestic macro brews" without getting called on his bullshit.

Everyone knows a guy like this. He's the guy who has his buddies over for beers so he can "big time" them. He'll make a big show about how generous he is with his beer. Then, he'll come out with a frosted mug for himself. "Nothing beats a cold one after a softball double-header, right guys? Feel free to drink my beer, but only the big guy gets the frosty mug. You guys can fight over who gets the koozie." He's also the guy who takes the extra base and slides in beer league softball games.

So that's pretty much phobia. He'll read this and pretend that he thinks it's sort of funny (but could be better if...). He may even poke a little fun at himself just to show how self-deprecating he can be. He doesn't think it's funny, though. He's WAY funnier than me. Don't believe him? Just ask any of the slightly older, slightly fatter, slightly less successful friends, and they'll back him up.

Pros: If frazod really wants to live in someone's head, phobia is the one guy who might be able to squeeze his fat ass in. Didn't really rip off a customer like billay said he did on his Facebook page.

Cons: Has a bizarre goatee size to face size ratio. Isn't a goatee supposed to at least be wider than your lips? Talks about how good he is at eating pussy to anyone who will listen...That must be a "thing" for middle aged dudes with beer guts and goatees because he's not the only one who does that, but it just creeps me the **** out.

Outlook for 2014: Bans hootie for no good reason...2,000 post threads fighting about it litter the front page for weeks...hootie comes back...sun rises, sun sets

76. Dave Lane

Dave is the embodiment of "stuck in the 80s guy". He peaked back in the days when movie bad-guys rode dirt bikes and your t-shirts turned colors when they got hot or cold. It was a kick-ass time, and nobody kicked more ass than Dave. He bought the sweetest hot tub that Watson's had to offer, and he used to rail chicks in it with Mark Gubicza. ("With Mark" might be a bit of an overstatement, actually. I mean, it WAS Dave's wife that Gubie was dumping his nuts into while Mr. Lane cheered, but Dave didn't get to touch her until after Mark would leave. Still...Dave was sitting on the edge of the tub, and his feet were in the water, so that fucking counts.)

Anyway, as the years went by, Dave kept doing the same things. Those things just became a little less cool with time. I mean, he was still watching Royals players with mullets turn his wife inside out in that very same hot tub, but the nineties didn't have that same magic about them. Sure, Jeff Montgomery had a mullet too...but it just wasn't the same. It's kind of hard to pinpoint what changed...Dave blames the AIDS epidemic. That does make a little sense, I guess. After all, when you have to fish used condoms out of the filter, you realize that the raw-dogging innocence of the eighties is gone forever. Still, Dave didn't exactly do himself any favors.

You see, Dave has a habit of pissing in the hot tub. No big deal. We've all done it. I'm not saying it's right, but everyone sort of accepts it. Dave's problem wasn't so much that he peed in the hot tub...it was the fact that he would do it when he wasn't even in the tub at the time, and that's just bad form. (I'm not going to have this conversation with you again, Dave. I understand that the same urine gets in the pool either way. It's still way grosser when you're arcing a boner-whiz into the tub from 15 feet away.)

So now, thirty years have passed. The party has ended, and his wife is gone, but Dave just can't let it go. He's still got the hot tub and the "Missouri Compromise" hair style, but now he has to settle for jacking it to old school porn...the kind on tapes you have to rewind when you're done. If you forget, and someone comes over and turns on the television, they immediately know what scene you finished to. In Dave's case, it's always either the scene shot from directly behind the dude's asshole or the one where they show the guy's face right as he busts.

I understand that accidents happen. The chick's titties are waggling back and forth...she's really into it...you're about to blow...and then...pow...they cut to the ol' back of the sack cam, and you can't shut it down in time. You know in your head that it doesn't make you queer, but you still just feel sad and uncomfortable the rest of the day...like people somehow know. Then, you just get pissed off at the movie because "who the fuck decided that putting a camera there was a good idea? Nobody wants to see that shit". Well, people like Dave want to see that shit. And people like Dave pay for porn. So if you're looking for someone to blame, Dave's your guy.

Pros: Once saw Steve Gutterberg while eating at at the High Boy. Above-average break-dancer. Those lessons have really paid off.

Cons: Hates religion with a passion because, back when he was an altar boy, that really handsome priest touched everyone but him. (Dave...it's like your dad told you...it's not the sex he was after. It was the chase.) Has black lights in his room that make his bed spread look like it's covered in glow-in-the-dark maps of Hawaii.

Outlook for 2014: Slips into a deep depression after his VCR eats his only copy of Butt Fuck Sluts go Nuts volume IX.

75. KnowMo2724

KnowMo is the typical, delusional Bronco fan...only on speed. He is one of the biggest homers to ever grace the board and has less football knowledge than Donger. Also, has a penchant for losing bets and welching on them in short order.*

He lives in his mom's basement and her meatloaf gives him the ability to post for hours at a time. She is pretty cool though. She takes him and his friends to Casa Bonita every year for his birthday to see the cliff divers and Black Bart's cave (ooooo scary). His most recent gift was a custom orange and blue 1974 Dodge Dart from Elway Motors.

Once, he convinced a drunken Hootie that he was a 22 year old college coed and a three way with a Peyton Manning fathead ensued. They then took pictures of the sheets covered in anal blood and framed them on the basement wall.

Positives: Went 16-0 in Madden on Pro difficulty after editing all Denver players to 99 overall. The meatloaf is pretty good. Only crossed swords once during the 3 way (swore that it was Peyton's, so it resumed).

Cons: He is Blackbob's Uncle everyone jokes about. Welches on bets. Still dresses as the Green Ranger for Halloween every year.

Outlook: After being found guilty in the trial he welches and comes back anyway. Never appears on the board again after Peydaton goes down in preseason ending his career.

Luv is a name that almost anyone on this board would recognize if they've been around for a while. You either know her as the passive aggressive old nag that tries to play mommy to the board, or you remember her antics in the beginning in which seeking out Daddy's approval she joined CP, only to have it turn into a forum to help her with her Daddy issues.

Over the years Luv has given us a litany of additions to the CP lexicon such as Grape gatorade, Moooo, and Endelt raped me. Of course that case took care of itself when in court proceedings Endelt got the case dismissed by simply asking the judge “How could it have been rape your honor? She was on top!”

Luv has also contributed greatly to our community by organizing the Springfield get togethers. Quite an accomplishment for someone to be able to organize board get togethers 200 miles away from the city the board is centrally located. There have been staggering numbers at these get togethers including 4, 3, 2, and a whole bunch of 1's.

What many people should really appreciate about Luv is that she is one of the members that takes a very personal approach to the board. And she's not afraid for the rest of us to learn from her mistakes. Such as, why you should never finance a car for a booty call you've been sleeping with for less than 3 months. How professing your illness on the board may lead someone of the opposite sex to picking up some grape gatorade for you and pounding your baby maker. Other gems include mid life crisis booty calls, and questioning the morals behind them after the deed has been done, how to find yourself in the friend zone with every individual you meet due to your own inability to hide your self consciousness, and why the postal service and their workers are such an important commodity to our society.

The good news is, after being laid off and taking the time to gain a certificate to become a paralegal from an [scratch]online[/scratch]local instituion that offered an 18 week course, she is now no longer living with her father at 38 years of age, and only took a 40% pay cut. We should appreciate her showing us the value of a higher education. She really is an asset to the board, and someone we should appreciate being able to interact with on a daily basis.

Pros: This is a member that you have a legitimate shot of sleeping with, whether you are married or not. She's also someone that you can almost rest assured has less knowledge about the game of football than you do, which should help pump up your internet ego. Almost a guarantee to provide a laugh, and life lesson (or simple reminder) every time she starts a thread.

Cons: Doesn't include pics of numerous said booty calls (some may consider this a pro, apply to your life as needed) tends to be very passive aggressive when she disagrees with a take, or moderator decision. If you sleep with her, it may become a hot topic of board conversation for years to come.

Outlook for 2014: Luv is decreasing her activity on this board, but not in her online sexual life. This may change as her mid life crisis is transitioning from fun, to blowhard. Outside possibility of major board entertainment should she show up at this year's bash and sleep with Clay. Marriage is slim to none, as it's unlikely she'll ever take Daddy off of his pedestal and put a man in his place.