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Hall of Classics>Another Bob Dole NFBT Rant
Bob Dole 05:34 PM 04-09-2002
You were warned.

Bob Dole realizes there are some devoutly religious individuals here on the Planet, and actually reads most of the religion-based threads without participating. Bob Dole freely admits to having some serious doubts about the usefullness of organized religion, but openly respects everyone's personal beliefs.

Given that preface, here's the latest event from the Neighborhood from Hell.

As you probably know, Bob Dole's entire lawn equipment inventory performed an assisted disappearing act from the garage last fall. As you probably guessed, Bob Dole has not been eager to rush out and buy new lawn equipment, fearing that it will meet the same end. Thusly, Bob Dole's "lawn" ain't been touched since last fall--except for the motocross track Reliant Energy so thoughtfully built in the side yard.

Other useful background: Bob Dole lives across the street from a large Baptist church. Last Spring, a week after Bob Dole moved in, one of the neighbors (who happens to be a member of the Baptist church across the street) came over and asked Bob Dole if he could do something with his "lawn" because the church was trying to make the neighborhood look nice. Bob Dole, who has historically taken pride in the lawn's appearance, was embarassed that a neighbor came to ask, and promptly fixed the problem lawn, and improved it with flowers and such over the course of the Spring/Summer. At the time of the equipment theft, Bob Dole's lawn looked better than the complaining neighbor's, and he actually had the nerve to stop by as Bob Dole was sweating his fat white ass off one Saturday afternoon and tell Bob Dole as much.

So Bob Dole is sitting here about 15 minutes ago and the Chihuahua Alert System goes haywire and Bob Dole looks out to see some unknown 60-something male walking up the walk. Bob Dole turns down the top volume Hoobastank and answers the door accompanied by 14 total pounds of fury and steps out on the porch with Bud in hand.

"How are you?" inquires the old coot.

"Other than trapped in a house with furious Chihuahuas, pretty well," replies Bob Dole. (Bob Dole takes a pull on the bottle...)

Old guy: "Good...good. Has anyone mention that we has a prospective new minister coming in to visit this weekend?"

Sensing what is about to transpire, suddenly less-pleasant Bob Dole replies, "Why would they? I don't attend that church."

Old fart: "Uh-hum. Well, we have a prospective new minister coming in to visit..."

Rude Bob Dole interrupts, "I gathered that much. Thanks."

Raisin: "Well...um...er...well... We're trying to make sure the neighborhood looks really good and were wondering whether you could do anything with your yard."

Bob-I-Knew-It-Dole: "No, I can't."

Prune Eater: blank stare

Bob-Increasingly-Disgusted-Dole: "Someone was kind enough to steal all my lawn equipment last Fall and I have not yet replaced it. I have been talking to a guy about buying his used Toro, and if he actually shows up with it before the weekend, you can rest assured I'll use it. If he doesn't, I don't really have any way to take care of it. I don't like looking at this shit either, if you want to know the truth, but I'm hesitant to go out and spend $500 on new lawn equipment so the dirtbags can break into the garage and steal it again."

Already-Paid-for-My-Burial-Plot-Man: "Ummm. Hmmmm. Well..."

Bob Dole: "You know, I noticed you had the church lawn done today. If it was really a big concern, you could have had them come over here and chop down my weed patch. Or you can send them back to do it tomorrow if you want. You know...in the spirit of 'Christian Charity' and all..."

Why-Did-I-Get-Elected-to-this-Shit-Guy: blank stare

Bob Dole: (Resisting the urge to point out that the guy does the blank stare thing quite a bit and might want to see his physician about it.) Well, if you guys want to do that, or if the guy shows up with the used mower before Friday and it actually works, I'll sure have it looking spiffy for you. I'm not going to go buy new equipment, nor am I going to pay anyone to come mow it, so I guess it's your choice."

At which point Bob Dole turned around and walked back in to Chihuahua Haven.

Bob Dole supposes the question is: Was Bob Dole out of line? And if you've got enough sack to go ring someone's doorbell to bitch about their yard, and you're really a compassionate, caring person living the Christain lifestyle, wouldn't you feel obligated to offer some sort of solution (other than scissors) when informed that some shitbag stole all the lawn equipment? Hell, Bob Dole doesn't go to church and has mowed a neighbor's yard more than once when they couldn't/wouldn't.

Bob Dole probably isn't going to mow the thing if the guy shows up with the mower in 15 minutes. It's the principle.
[Reply]
Brock 06:04 PM 04-09-2002
And it's yet ANOTHER thing for neighborhood busybodies to come around to tell you to fix your yard.

You were much nicer than I would have been, Bob.
[Reply]
Dave Lane 06:05 PM 04-09-2002
I, like Bob Dole, find almost no use for organized religion as well. And I have no interest or possiblibly any ability to change someone elses mind and therefore do not read or post to the religious threads. This is one of the big things that irk me about religious people. They don't do anything! They sit in their pew and talk a good talk whilst they rub Ole Ned and figit about. But they never contribute money to the poor, go door to door doing good deeds or do anything else other than offer stale pancakes on signs for passerbys. I believe in helping people in need and I don't need someone coming in and telling me to contribute to a church so they can spend it all on overhead. Meet in a tent give the contibutions to the poor and go about your life. I find major hypocrisy here.

I like what you said and agree if you don't have a lawnmower what can you do? If they are so worried they should get theirs out and please the lord!

Dave
[Reply]
Bob Dole 06:07 PM 04-09-2002
Originally Posted by :
Originally posted by tommykat
...one thing to tell someone the reason.....another to CHOOSE not to buy lawn equipment again. (notice???? choose????) your choice not to buy, but I would think you would like your yard to look good.
You must have missed the "new" part.

Bob Dole fully intends to buy a used mower and weed whacker. Bob Dole sure as shit isn't going to rush out and buy new ones. Unfortunately, the Used Lawn Equipment Outlet has been full of complete crap the last few times Bob Dole went shopping, so Bob Dole is dependent on a well-off acquaintance's cast-offs.

(Hoobastank is done and Monster Magnet is playing... Don't quibble with Bob Dole.) :-)
[Reply]
Nelson Muntz 06:09 PM 04-09-2002
OMG Mr Dole
you are my hero:-)

I don't think it was out of line at all, I just wish i could have been there to see it. I just about p*ssed my pants readin it.
[Reply]
tommykat 06:11 PM 04-09-2002
Originally Posted by :
Originally posted by Robert_Dole
You must have missed the "new" part.

Bob Dole fully intends to buy a used mower and weed whacker. Bob Dole sure as shit isn't going to rush out and buy new ones. Unfortunately, the Used Lawn Equipment Outlet has been full of complete crap the last few times Bob Dole went shopping, so Bob Dole is dependent on a well-off acquaintance's cast-offs.

(Hoobastank is done and Monster Magnet is playing... Don't quibble with Bob Dole.) :-)
And u can't afford $100 bucks for a lawn mower? And a weed eater? Thank you:-)....I make about 40 less than u but manage to get what I need to take care of my lawn.
[Reply]
Bob Dole 06:15 PM 04-09-2002
Originally Posted by :
Originally posted by tommykat
And u can't afford $100 bucks for a lawn mower? And a weed eater? Thank you:-)....I make about 40 less than u but manage to get what I need to take care of my lawn.
Bob Dole hasn't seen any good mower+weedeater combo meals for $100 lately.

And while the lawn isn't neatly trimmed at present, it's a long way from hideous. Bob Dole is just trying to let it go to seed to enhance its lushness. Yeah...that's it.

(Space Lord mother mother...)
[Reply]
Multi1 06:21 PM 04-09-2002
Dave Lane,

Please read my last post. You seem to be confusing religion and Christianity. The two are as far apart as day and night. Organized religion is of man, Christianity is of God. Simple difference but alot of people cannot make the distinction. I'm sure that some people do not care about the difference because they don't want any kind of either in their life. In one man's opinion that is too bad. There are some great benefits to being a Christian. Being part of organized religion does not make you a Christian, it means you go to that brand of church.

Believe me there is a difference.
[Reply]
Rain Man 06:26 PM 04-09-2002
Kevin the BB poster thinks that a few of you are just sucking up to Dole because he's a U.S. Senator and former presidential nominee. While Kevin the capital-punishment-for-petty-theft proponent sympathizes with the Senator's lawn equipment plight, Kevin the homeowner thinks the Senator should go rent an apartment if he doesn't want to take care of his lawn. Kevin the neighborhood nazi has asked neighborhood residents to get their act together on occasion when they have dragged Kevin the future retiree's house value down with their slovenliness.

I should explain too that I'm somewhat ticked off about yard stuff today. For the first time ever, I planted a bunch of bulbs in my yard, and have been pleased to see them come up. We had three beautiful hyacinths bloom a couple of days ago - my first homegrown flowers ever - and SOME IDIOT CAME INTO OUR YARD AND STOLE THEM YESTERDAY! I still can't &$@@(#*!! believe that.
[Reply]
NaptownChief 06:30 PM 04-09-2002
My rider blow up last fall...Just went and bought a new Husqvarna rider yesterday. I highly recommend. Top of the line quality with a much better price than John Deere and Cub Cadet.


http://www.usa.husqvarna.com/
[Reply]
philfree 06:34 PM 04-09-2002
That's it! My wife wants me to break out the leaf blower/sucker and remove the leaves from the front yard. I however don't think a little leaf on the ground every 10' or so looks so bad. Besides I don't even have a tree in my front yard. Thanks to Dole I now have a new plan. I'm going to steal my own leaf blower! Maybe I can pawn it for a little pocket money. Wonder what I can get for the rake?

PhilFree:-)
[Reply]
Rain Man 06:36 PM 04-09-2002
I better not catch you trying to fence my hyacinths, phil. (See post 22.)
[Reply]
Mosbonian 06:38 PM 04-09-2002
Bob:

While I might(and emphasize might) understand the request of the gentleman, his modus operandi stunk.....

I agree with what has been already stated...maybe asking if the Youth Group could do the yard work as a project...maybe the men of the church could volunteer to do it also.(Our Men's group has a rotation schedule for assisting in yard work for those who need a hand, whether for an elderly widow, someone who has had a loved one pass away recently, or someone who is temporarily incapable due to surgeries)

Your visitor, and all of those who elected him to visit you, missed the meaning of Christian charity, and for that those of us who are Christians apologize.
[Reply]
Logical 06:41 PM 04-09-2002
Originally Posted by :
Originally posted by tommykat


And u can't afford $100 bucks for a lawn mower? And a weed eater? Thank you:-)....I make about 40 less than u but manage to get what I need to take care of my lawn.
Sanctimonious garbage or poorly contstructed sarcasm, you be the judge.

Meanwhile, I will say way to go Senator :-) what kind of man of God would not take a ministry because the grass was a couple of inches too high anyway?:-)
[Reply]
Mosbonian 06:42 PM 04-09-2002
Thank you for eloquently stating my position, and saving me the energy of posting that same thought...

mark
**********
[Reply]
philfree 06:42 PM 04-09-2002
No I wouldn't fence the flowers but maybe I could give them to my wife to suck up for not removing the leaves.

PhilFree
~pays $20.00 a pop to have his yard mowed and weed wacked~
[Reply]
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